There's nothing like sitting down with your oatmeal, laptop and shampoo bottles and Googling 'what ingredients aren't safe during pregnancy, shampoo" to start your day in a plunging downward spiral of complete inadequacy. Again. 

In the first trimester I kicked myself off Google and sort of adopted this 'I'll do my very best' attitude. When in doubt I'd ask, a real live human woman when I could, or Google. But I didn't rip through my life going 'organic goddess' crazy. And, now of course, I wish I had. Because of one blog post I tripped on yesterday about favorite products during pregnancy. 

It went along as if, duh, normal shampoo is out of the question right now. Wha, what? Sure enough, Bumble and Bumble is doing me in a bad way. And that nail polish remover, for shame. I mean don't get me wrong, I got pregnancy face wash and natural lotion. I thought Dr. Bronner's was good. Turns out, again, nope. 

I did my very best. But like I continually find, that's just not good enough. 

"I can sleep at night because I make my own toothpaste and never eat sugar."

Of course this 'crazy' stems from somewhere a little more complicated than one woman's blog about her favorite jar deodorant made only of natural oils and smugness. I am one of those women who got a call after her 20 week ultrasound. The call they make only if there's something to report. 

Right as we pulled up to our paradise Palm Springs abode, my doctor told me I have marginal cord insertion. She was chipper. Assuring me it was common, not to worry and to carry on as normal. Everything was great! My little girl is a week ahead in her size and development. She's healthy and everything else is perfect. She just got creative with her cord placement. She thought why not color outside the lines? 

I was frozen in the mini van as everyone swirled around me. I felt blindsided. I'd gone from finally having this complete bliss, happiness, calm to being right back in first trimester mindset. Kicked in the stomach, so much in love, I couldn't imagine what would happen if something went wrong. 

This news did immediately change everything for me. Running? Who gives a tiny rat's arse? I'm still at it, but I don't struggle with "understanding its place in my life right now". It's slow and steady and not about me. And eating? No more laughing it off when I eat junk for a half a day. I'm pounding veggies and fruits and all the good calories I can get. 

My doctor isn't just feeding me bullshit either (except for the "common" part, it's not that common). I'm lucky enough to have two friends who are doctors and both reassured me it's all good. Marginal cord basically means I'll have regular ultrasounds to monitor her growth. It also means at the May ultrasound the cord could have moved closer in as the plancenta grew, or further away from the middle (not ideal, but we'll take it as it comes).

Of course, Marginal Cord also means me thinking about it way too much. And having sudden crushing guilt about weird shit like shampoo. And really trying to get to the place everyone else seems to be, where we aren't worried about this. 

(this probably goes without saying, but if you have a sad story regarding this, please tell it to someone else)